Ten Ways To Marry the Wrong Person

[PrisonerOfHope]

TEN WAYS TO MARRY THE WRONG PERSON

With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding whom to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a statistic, try to internalize these 10 insights.

1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married. The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he/she is now, don’t get married. As one person so wisely put it, “Actually, you can expect people to change after they are married; but for the worst!” So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as you know them to be now. The outcome is always the same: what you see is what you get.

2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the “I am in love!” syndrome. “I am in love!" often means, “I am in lust.” Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character?

Here are four character qualities worth look for:

Humility: Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than personal comfort?

Kindness: Does this person really enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does she/he treat people when he/she doesn’t have to be nice to others? Does she/he do anything for anyone who cannot possibly pay them back? Do they give to charity without checking their credit debts?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what she/he says she/he’s going to do? Will they follow through on their own?

Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does she/he enjoy being around others? Is she/he emotionally stable?

Ask yourself this burning question:

Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my children to turn out like him or her?

3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn’t get it. Some traditions place the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of the woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved, to feel that she is the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in a certain approach to sexual intimacy. Some religions obligate the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy should always be on the woman’s terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds: on and off.” Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen. And if she is wise, she will take the lead to show him how to please her, and then give him the impression it was all his own idea in the first place.

4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and/or priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another person: a) Chemistry and compatibility; b) share common interests; c) share a common life goal. Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re living for while you are single, and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of compatibility.

A soul mate is a goal mate, two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and, therefore, share the same priorities, values and goals. Remember that the two of you will be creating a third person in your relationship; the one flesh principle. If you do not, one or the other may soon jettison what value system you thought was irrevocable to the two of you for someone else's value system. You will know it, too, when it happens, but not why.

5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly. Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one’s mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to “test drive” in order to find out if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don’t have to worry about the part of sexual compatibility that interests most, up front. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people go through that experience.

6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional connection. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask yourself, “Do I respect and admire this person?” This does not mean, “Am I impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, sincerity and lack of guile, etc. Also ask, “Do I trust this person? If I choose to love them, am I investing in the good?” This also means, “Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions, "Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I really, fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself?" Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? Is there any hesitation of fully exposing everything about you, that is below the scars that they aready can see about you? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship already. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you do not want to feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an obsessive person. Be on the lookout for someone who is always trying to change you. There is a huge difference between “controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for something else.

8. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Learn to ask the touch questions right away. If the is the right response, be ready to be surprised. If it is not, you were wise to ask it, make your apologies and move on. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment. Can you resolve your differences and find a compromise that works for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t be vulnerable, you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand. And no one wants to lie down with sand paper next to them.

9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married, as well. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You’ll feel better and your future spouse will thank you. It is like going to the dentist before you get married; there is no reason for anyone else to know the truth about what could end up in complications.

10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another personal relationship. This is disgusting in every sense of the word description! A person who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is a classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, the internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You’ll not be their number one focus; the guy across the street could be. If you are not ready to include the 'competition' into your marriage, leave the distraction before it really gets confusing.