Some More Jewish Humor

[baydoll]

How we got the Ten Commandments

This is a little known tale of how God came to give us the Ten Commandments.

God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

"What's a commandment?" they asked.

"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.

The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

They also asked, "What's a commandment?"

"Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."

The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.

They asked, "How much?"

God said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."

[baydoll]

Hebonics

The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles and Scarsdale. In Hebonics, questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle." (mountains-shmountains / turtle-shmurtle)

These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebonics:

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time."
Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay."
Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "That's a very pretty girl."
Hebonics: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."

English: "May I take your plate, sir?"
Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called."
Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "It's a nice day."
Hebonics: "At least it's not raining."

English: "Happy birthday."
Hebonics: "You should only become a year smarter."

English: "I feel good."
Hebonics: "Things could be a lot worse."

English: "Happy New Year!"
Hebonics: "Another year, G-d willing!"