Jesus Still Planning To Assemble Great Multitude!
Jul 30, 2020 0:59:15 GMT -5
Post by Berean on Jul 30, 2020 0:59:15 GMT -5
Looks like The Bee is moving away from satire! 
Jesus Still Planning To Assemble Great Multitude Of Every Tribe, Tongue, And Nation Despite Ban On Large Gatherings
July 29th, 2020
WORLD—Jesus Christ has come under criticism from progressives for planning to assemble a great multitude of every tribe, tongue, and nation in defiance of government bans on large gatherings.
According to sources, the Lord of all creation has no plans to cancel the gathering of the great multitude that no one can number, packed with people from all nations, standing before the throne and the Lamb, crying that salvation belongs to the Lord. Critics pointed out that this event could be considered a "super spreader," since people from all over the world and all historical ages will be present. And Jesus has no plans to enforce social distancing, insiders claim.
"He's not even enforcing a mask rule," said one protester outside the gates of heaven. "It's anti-science."
"Well, he kinda invented science," said Saint Peter. "And we don't have viruses in here. There's no death or disease, for those things, well, got sick and died."
"But then how do you get people to vote for higher taxes or more government power if you don't have crises like a pandemic or climate change?" she asked, confused.
"Oh, Jesus just already has all the power. We don't vote. It's a monarchy. You don't vote for kings."
"That. Sounds. HORRIBLE," she said.
"Oh, yeah, don't worry; you're not getting in. Though, sorry -- Jesus rules in hell too. Not a lot of options in the afterlife."
link
Jesus Still Planning To Assemble Great Multitude Of Every Tribe, Tongue, And Nation Despite Ban On Large Gatherings
July 29th, 2020
WORLD—Jesus Christ has come under criticism from progressives for planning to assemble a great multitude of every tribe, tongue, and nation in defiance of government bans on large gatherings.
According to sources, the Lord of all creation has no plans to cancel the gathering of the great multitude that no one can number, packed with people from all nations, standing before the throne and the Lamb, crying that salvation belongs to the Lord. Critics pointed out that this event could be considered a "super spreader," since people from all over the world and all historical ages will be present. And Jesus has no plans to enforce social distancing, insiders claim.
"He's not even enforcing a mask rule," said one protester outside the gates of heaven. "It's anti-science."
"Well, he kinda invented science," said Saint Peter. "And we don't have viruses in here. There's no death or disease, for those things, well, got sick and died."
"But then how do you get people to vote for higher taxes or more government power if you don't have crises like a pandemic or climate change?" she asked, confused.
"Oh, Jesus just already has all the power. We don't vote. It's a monarchy. You don't vote for kings."
"That. Sounds. HORRIBLE," she said.
"Oh, yeah, don't worry; you're not getting in. Though, sorry -- Jesus rules in hell too. Not a lot of options in the afterlife."
link
